02 May 2013

Of He Who Kept Me



Without going into detail,
there was a celebratory supper some weeks back in honor of my father.
As one who can freely admit to the title of Daddy's Girl,
I stood proudly with my mother and the others who sang his praises that night.

Knowing that the Daddy's Girl mentality is a common one,
especially among those women like myself who seek something in love
that is of a caliber equivalent to the patriarchal hero...
I thought I'd share my speech.

Here's to you, old man.


* * * * *


What to say about my father...
aside from the fact that he's immensely gifted
in the realms of word and wit,
and that his sense of humor is enviable-
even among the comedically adept.

What to say about him, 
aside from the fact that he's left a legacy
of giving both in time and in talent.
That be bows his head
and bends his ears for others.
That he often blends quips and candor
to convey an engaging impression that lasts
long after his voice has faded from the room.

What to say about my father aside from this:
He is the greatest man in my life.



I think back to my days at home and
the flow of my childhood.
I connect to him the memory of leather loafers
worn smooth on the outer soles as he walks
more so on the exterior edges of his feet.
I think of him digging his heels into the hard
snow on a steep bank so that I, as a little girl,
would have the handholds to climb upward.

I think of line drives he took-
sending wiffle balls directly into my forehead.
Of Tae Kwon Do and Teaberry gum.
Of bedtime songs.
Glorified milkshakes.
And tire swings.
I recall the dog lover and the music aficionado,
the neighbor and friend and son and husband
I witnessed during my younger years.

He taught me timing.
To appreciate the power and the play of words-
how to deliver a well-placed punchline.
I grew up admiring this man for his ability to
make others laugh... at times in spite of himself
or his circumstances, and to this day-
any privilege I may have
to make another person laugh is, at the core,
an homage to my father.

I think of my teen years, and the day
he attempted teaching me how to drive.
I think of the rhetorical questions, as sharp
as the points he was making.
I think of the suggestions he offered, and how
he later told me they were never really suggestions.

I remember, when heartsick...
"You don't need a love."
When impatient, "It won't be as long as it has been,"
and, when dreading the miles of running and
the suicide drills at volleyball practice, 
"You can always take one more step."

You can always take one more step...
I hope you know, Dad, how much I took that to heart.



I hope you know that you are in every step I take,
that I carry your words and your spirit in
my heart's back pocket.
That I'm proud to be your blood,
and that I strive to have your backbone.

I am thankful to have your eyes.
I hope as I continue to grow both in age
and as a person, that I'll learn
to see more as you do...
with the wisdom and perspective attained through experience,
the resilience that accompanies faith,
and the laughter, always the laughter...
the ability to find the humor in things.



Thank you for my childhood.
For helping so much to shape me into who I am today.
For loving Mom as you've loved her,
and for loving me just as well-
even during my teenage years
when you claimed to have no idea who I was.

Thank you for being you.
I am a wiser mother and a stronger woman
 for having had you as my father.

Who you are in your entirety...
has only made me better in mine.

I love you.






16 April 2013

Of Philly

Home from Philly.
It was lovely...

I continue to be amazed at
the privilege that is teaching.

Our classroom was the expo center lounge (read: the bar)
and both Richard and I found it fitting.
This is the classroom we first taught in together
last August... I've said it before and will do so again-
how the time flies.
I am not now who I was even then.





The students were stunning- their ideas, enthusiasm.
Watching them feed off of one another is a joy.
Watching them try, watching some struggle
with the fear that often accompanies trying something new
and overcoming it, owning it...
there are few things I've personally known to be so satisfying.

I said late last year that I wanted to begin
living more outside of myself,
more for others.
It is in the classroom for one,
where that goal is realized.






I so enjoy the process, the setting.
It has bettered me,
and, in teaching, I gain as much as I give.

How many people can say that about what they do?


* * *

Philly was friendship as well...
ample laughter.
I met other instructors-
skill, wit, and talent by the boatload.
I reconnected with some of my earlier contacts and shared
a hotel room and kindred conversations with a lovely woman
who gave me tattoo tights and took only
a piece of my heart in return.




There was talk over meals, in the car,
of life and love,
and how those who want to be in our lives
will find a way to be present with us.

We talked of letting the others go.
In some ways, we did.

We talked about support and pseudo-support,
rumors, friendship and pseudo-friendship,
the mediums and the skill sets, the souls we care for,
our children, our concerns as artists and women and mothers.

We didn't sleep much, and though my body was tired
by the third day, my heart and head felt somehow rested.

It was an easy smile environment, Philadelphia.

* * *

Meanwhile, at home, my world continued on without me.
The Monkey had his first Tball game... a grand HELLO! to
the world of team sports, and he was terrified.

My phone hummed away in my apron pocket on Saturday,
an eruption of text messages from friends and family.
Sending pictures.
Sharing progress.



He got past his anxiety and began to enjoy himself,
and I... the proud mama, watched his first hit
via video from several hundred miles north.


Saturday at home was also farewell.
The memorial service for a family friend, age 30.

My mom sent a photo of the final send-off. 
His passing was a blessing,
and in the peace that followed the too-long storm,
balloons he'd requested in place of flowers
dotted the blue Carolina sky.

He was incredible,
that man.

* * *


I returned to Fuquay late Saturday night, 
in time to be home for The Monkey's sixth 
birthday on Sunday.

Before I left that evening, however,
we friends sat around on stools, laughing at the
lovely and lopsided years that we each seem to stumble
through on our way to becoming all that we might be.

We sipped Evolution, drank a toast to the strange
beauty of life, and talked with a "comme ci, comme ca"
lightness about the nature of existence.

Do we live by luck in this world,
or do we live with intention?


We tapped our Solo cups together
and looked around the empty classroom.
We smiled.

We said, both.